dreadhead.

the seasons are rushing on. christmas lights shine in every town we pass, and the world is a mere month from ushering in the start of a brand new decade. my international travels will soon be interrupted when i return to the states to visit friends and family. as i look forward to where I am going, i am also spending time thinking about where i have been. ten months ago, i left home looking for adventure, meaning, and personal growth. i had no way of knowing that 2009 would be such a turning point in my life. i am not the same person i was in february. my heart is softer. my dreams are bigger. my life is no longer mine. 


oh – and my hair looks a little different, too. in april, i made a spur-of-the-moment decision to dread my hair. no big deal, it's just hair, right?

apparently i was in denial about how much i allowed my appearance to define me. up until then, i mostly measured myself by the mirror. my identity, self-worth, and confidence all rested on a teetering scale controlled daily by my reflection. God obviously had an issue with that. He didn’t create me, His beloved child, just so i could spend my life obsessing over my outer shell, which will eventually perish anyway. He didn’t make me His, giving me infinite worth, just so i would be tricked by the devil into thinking i am nothing!

so, along with doing some major soul-work on me during DTS, He also decided to let me permanently do-away with the most universally important element in a woman’s appearance: my hair. let’s just say it was an overnight lesson in vanity.

but that wasn’t all God wanted to teach me through my dreadlocks. not even close.

true, i can no longer rely on a cute hairdo to make me feel like a new person, but that kind of makeover only touches the surface anyway. God has been much more interested in giving me an internal makeover during this season. i was churned up, broken and rained on, and saw massive amounts of new growth. at times it hurt. other times, i felt like there was just way too much work to be done in my spirit – that things would never get better.

and then there have been those times of beautiful breakthrough, when i can hear God’s voice, feel His presence, and believe beyond a doubt that i am in His will, resting in His hands. it is during these times that i can see most clearly who i want to be, and how i want to spend my time here on earth. this journey has given me a mindset that is at odds with the rest of the world. while the voices around us scream, “get ahead!” jesus whispers that we should stay behind; we should walk the other way, with Him. moments of intimacy with God are moments of clarity. that's when i see life for what it is: a gift. an opportunity to glorify the One who created me. a fleeting moment in the span of an eternity spent either in the presence of the Almighty, or outside of His presence.

there has formed, in my mind, a strong connection between living life recklessly for Christ, and the dreads on my head. my flesh fights every day against the decision to lose my worldly life for Jesus. my flesh wants to be comfortable. my flesh wants to be admired. my flesh wants to be important. but my spirit knows that all these things eventually come to nothing. they will ruin me before they ever give me the joy they deceivingly promise. the ONLY thing that will ever give me true joy is life alongside my Savior. the decision to follow Him wherever He leads unavoidably means leaving my earthly pursuits behind. money, recognition, beauty, success…they can no longer be my goals. instead, i want to listen for God’s voice, and follow where He leads. i want to love people. all kinds of people. i want to use my gifts to glorify His name. i want to help bring the kingdom of heaven to earth. i want to share the joy i have with everyone i meet. i want to get out into the world and meet more people, so i can share more joy! i want to enjoy the blessings that God promises His children, and bless others in return. i want to worship in everything. this is the life that has been offered to me, and i KNOW i want it.

beau reminded me that these are the very circumstances Paul refers to in Galatians 5:5. “But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope.” i’m not there yet. but i finally know what it is i want. God has shown me heaps of grace, and used this season to throw me a wake-up call. “HELLO, JACLYN. what are you living for? where is it getting you? i have something so much better to offer.” and He does! LIFE TO THE FULL. (john 10:10) i know how good it can be. i have tasted that kind of life. i have been reborn. but my old, depraved self insists on making me very forgetful at times. 

my flesh is stubborn. what the world offers can often blind me to the promises of Christ. i am easily distracted, confused and discouraged. without the Holy Spirit, i wouldn’t last long out there. He knows this, and i’m pretty sure He’s using my hair to protect me from my own weaknesses. my dreadlocks are a physical reminder of the change that’s taken place inside of me. they’re like a barrier, preventing me from easily blending into my old way of life. i can’t pretend i am unchanged. my hair automatically labels me on the outside as a drifter, someone who is unconcerned with the material, and can’t be bothered to conform. it’s like God is reminding me of who i truly want to be, so i won’t be tempted to forget what’s really important. i no longer fit into the box i chose to live in for so many years. thank you, jesus.

although i know in my heart the kind of life i want, turning my back on old ideals can be extremely uncomfortable. i experienced this as i hitched from budapest to berlin a few weeks ago. there i was, hanging out in gas stations, scoping the customers for a friendly face. i looked at the people in their shiny beamers and audis (it’s germany. nice cars are par for the course), and so many of them regarded me with a wary eye. they avoided looking into my face, acting as if i wasn’t quite the same as them. (i’m assuming the dreads, backpack, and lack of vehicle is what tipped them off.) i found the situation amusing – and frustrating – because little did those nicely-dressed, civilized people know that I USED TO BE ONE OF THEM.

but no more…my nappy hair constantly reminds me that i am no better than the next guy. actually, according to the standards of the world, i am worth less than the next guy. which is exactly where i want to be.

so I’m going to keep my dreadlocks for a while longer. if God can teach me that much in a few months, think what he can do with a couple of years! (sorry, mom.)