answers.

this past week has been one of answers. 

not necessarily the kind of answers i was looking for, though. when you hear about someone "getting answers," it usually implies that they've been asking questions. i think i've been asking questions my entire life,  without ever getting a direct reply...

maybe that's because i've looking for the wrong answers.

here's what i'm getting at: 

since the beginning of this discipleship training school, i've been asking God to restore our relationship. i expected a lot of digging and churning and painful searching to commence. the thing is, i wanted it to start right away, because i was starting to feel a little "behind" when it came to spiritual experience. i had a lot of catching up to do. so i prayed that God would give me passion, let me feel his presence, help me to grow. my expectations went about as far as good worship and devotion time...God has infinitely more wisdom than i do. and quite a sense of humor too, i think. 

last week, lectures pressed me further than i ever thought possible. i have been challenged to act on what i truly believe. this sounds like a simple concept, but when the challenge includes throwing away everything i deem valuable and becoming a humble servant for the rest of my time on earth, things start to get a little scary. and EXCITING at the same time! i could feel something big stirring inside me, despite the dry excuse for a soul i've been carrying around. but at this rate, it would take 3 schools to break and re-grow me! thankfully, God laughs at my tiny plans.

on sunday, a group of us went into the city for church. unbeknownst to us, the service was to include a guest speaker who had been given the gift of healing. skeptical? so was i. i'd seen this type of thing on tv...you know those horrible evangelism channels that make you ashamed to be a christian? yea. so needless to say, after the introduction, i wasn't really looking forward to the rest of the service. but as the man gave his own testimony, i sensed a real sincerity in him...and he was constantly in the Word, which is usually a good sign. and then he started calling people up to the front so he could pray for them. this in and of itself isn't strange. but the WAY he called people up was what caught my attention: he was walking to sections of the church and asking certain people to come forward, according to their symptoms of pain or disease.

and then he came to our section.

he described symptoms of back pain, including degeneration of several vertebrae in the lower back, muscle pain in the neck, years of discomfort with no hope of healing. and he pointed to our small section of the church. i knew right away he was talking about me. after some persuasion, i went to the front of the church. he touched my back where the pain originated and asked me if i believe that Christ can heal. of course i do...don't i? but here? now? me? as the preacher prayed over me, i told God that if this was of Him, i wanted to be healed.

i have slept the past three nights pain-free for the first time in over 6 years.

all of this is totally outside of my experience. it's foreign, weird, crazy, and a little scary. but through this God has taught me so much! who am i to limit His power? doesn't Christ love me? doesn't he want me to be whole? doesn't my pain cause him pain? doesn't he want to be glorified through us and the things he does in our lives?

i asked God to change me, to restore my spiritual life, to show me that he is real...and he gave me an answer. it might not have been what i was expecting or looking for, but he answered. he answered my prayer that he might be glorified. 

if this freaks you out, don't worry. i'm totally freaked out too. God is good :)